Deep down, I think everyone knows happily ever after doesn't exist. Until you are happy with yourself not wanting that happily ever after, nothing good can come to you because you will always be scared of the good. You'll push the good away and welcome the bad.
That's just me. I'm scared of the good. I feel more comfortable with the bad, because then I expect things to go wrong. Does that make me a pessimist? Or a realist?
I never invest anything in anyone. I never give anything to a person that could use it in the long run to hurt me.
And I'm tired of that.
It's a hard habit to break though. I've been trained all my life to expect things to never go my way. I've been trained all my life to never get attached to anyone, because in the blink of an eye, in an accident on the side of a mountain, in a silent cry for help...everything changes. And nothing is ever the same.
I've kept my emotions bottled up inside me for so long, that when it comes time to express these emotions on stage I'm going to have a hard time working up the courage to let the world know that I'm not that happy girl that will give anyone a smile. I'm not that girl that you can count on to give you kind words and a big hug when you are hurting. I put on that show because I don't want people to know that deep down, I'm a mess. I'm not the calm after the storm, I am the storm. And I can't help but wonder what people would think if they could see me, and see how hurt and broken and twisted I am.
But I know I'm never going to have the courage to let anyone see that side of me again.
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